Romeo and Juliet
by azriel.infinite
Summary: The Vongola famiglia presents: Romeo and Juliet. Mafia-style.


For Tsuna's birthday, Reborn rounded up everyone from the Vongola at gun point and commanded them thus:

"Let's all put on a play. If you love your boss this much."

After many weepings and bruises from different members of the _famiglia_, not including Mukuro's "kufufufu"-ian reaction to it, as well as Hibari's "I get to choose the play, or everyone gets bitten to death" kind of an attitude, they all came to the conclusion that it's better to agree than disagree.

Adult Lambo sniffed. "You know there's something wrong with the world when little children who're supposed to be playing outside with trucks point a chameleon at your dick instead."

Yamamoto laughed. "What's wrong with the chameleon, Lambo? Looks fine to me."

"Ssh. Don't say anything. I heard the young Vongola say to me once that it can crawl underneath your bed covers and bite your tra-la-la-la off."

"Ahaha, oww, that really hurts, huh."

--

Tsuna was asleep when this meeting happened.

For some reason he had nightmares about pineapples taking residence in his bathtub and saying "kufufufu" while doing his laundry. In the tub.

While he was taking a shower.

"Well, fuck, that's the last time I'm gonna let Dino-san buy me some Chinese take-out food from places I don't know," he groaned, and pulled the covers all the way over his head until he resembled some sort of mummy.

He didn't see Reborn's eyes gleaming. Then again, it was pretty dark, although he _did_ shudder a bit because some ominous feelings were invading his poor soul. Or something.

--

Afterschool. Reborn looks at Tsuna with what Tsuna describes as "his bottomless soul-less eyes full of -less and all things evil, and so on", and says: "I'm going to train the other members of your _famiglia_. Bianchi's gonna help you with your homework when you get home."

Tsuna tried to protest. "They're my friends, Reborn! You really shouldn't get them all involved in your crazy ideas. What if one of them gets hurt? What if --"

"Kyoko's going to be with Bianchi."

Reborn hasn't even finished his sentence yet when he realized that he was talking to air. He smiled.

--

"Alright. We'll have to decide what play we're going to put up for him."

Ryohei slammed both fists on the coffee table hard enough to almost crack through the centre of the Earth, and said, "I VOTE EXTREME SHAKESPEARE."

"Well, that's easy enough, almost everybody knows about him anyway," Dino replied merrily. He was staying away from Hibari, who was publicly showing affection to his tonfas by cleaning them of blood and God knows what else was tainting those silver things. Best you don't ask.

"...Mukuro-sama suggests that we do _A Midsummer Night's Dream_," said Chrome meekly. "He says that he can play Oberon to the Tenth who can be Tita--"

"_Romeo and Juliet_ would be the easiest," Gokudera says, cutting Chrome off because he doesn't want to know about Mukuro's thoughts behind Chrome's innocent jargon. He's pretty sure that for all of Mukuro's "kufufu"-ing was actually an invitation to the bedroom. "I CAN PLAY AS JULIET FOR THE TENTH!"

"GYAHAHAHA! LAMBO-SAN WANTS TO BE ROMEO!"

"That sounds pretty good, Gokudera." Reborn grabs Lambo and kicks him out of the window; Dino winces in pain. "We'll do casting today and start immediately afterwards. I'll have copies of the play ready for everyone."

"Wow, this sounds like fun! I'm sure Tsuna's going to like it," said Yamamoto.

Reborn nods in agreement. He looks over to Hibari. "We'll be using the theatre afterschool."

"There'll be various clubs using it at that time."

"We'll do it at night, then, when nobody's around."

"Providing that extra measures will be taken for the school property to be protected, I have no qualms about it."

"Done. Are you going to participate in the play?"

"Do I get to bite anyone?"

"If you play Tybalt, your tutor can always play as a very clumsy Mercutio or something. Or, of course, you can play Capulet, and Dino can be your Lady Capulet. We'll have him wear a dress, and --"

Dino paled.

--

"...Tsuna. You did number ten wrong. Have another cookie."

"R-Reborn told me that Kyoko's going to be here!"

"She had to go somewhere." Bianchi pulls out a basket of pastries and grabs his neck. "You did number ten wrong. You have two minutes to get it right or you're going to _have a cookie._"

Tsuna whimpered and nearly cried, and tried to figure out what the hell was wrong with number ten as if he were shot with the dying will bullet.

Now he knows why Gokudera was really smart at everything. He probably never got to eat cookies on certain days because he always gets the answers right.

--

So the days passed by with all preparations around the play carefully concealed from Tsuna, although his instincts tell him that something wicked this way comes.

Unknown to him, Reborn has invited the Varia over to help them with staging the play in the school theatre. Squalo was laughing loud enough to wake the dead when he realized what they had to do.

"Heeey, Boss, remember when we had to do this for the Ninth's 50th birthday? You played Romeo, and then I played Juliet, and--"

Xanxus angrily picked Lambo, whom Bel tripped mercilessly, and launched it on to Squalo's head to make him shut the hell up. His trajectory was perfect.

--

Three weeks later...

Afterschool, take two:

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TENTH!"

"Happy birthday, Tsuna!"

Tsuna was blindfolded by Dino, who was smiling sadly. "We have a present for you," he said, and felt sorry for the kid because Reborn was smiling eerily at a corner, waving his pistol around (On the background, Ryohei and Reborn were talking. Ryohei: "IS THAT YOUR EXTREME WEAPON, KID?" Reborn: "Yes. This is my extreme weapon.").

"W-where are we going?"

"We have a surprise for you, Tsuna!" Yamamoto said happily. "We hope you're going to like it! The little guy organized it for you, so..."

Panic sensors have now kicked in.

--

Tsuna couldn't even remember the trip from his classroom to the school theatre. But as soon as the blindfold was lifted from his eyes, Reborn strapped him to a chair and had Xanxus sit beside him, watching him with angry, drunk eyes, because there's no way he's gonna go through this play sober.

"Buon compleanno, Tsuna," Reborn told him by way of greeting. "Your _famiglia_ has decided to put on a play for you as a birthday gift."

And in his heart Tsuna was touched, he really was. He was so glad and happy the bindings on his hands and on his feet were starting to feel okay. "You guys, that's really nice... you guys didn't have to do this for me! I appreciate it, really, thank you so much!"

Xanxus shook his head. "Holy shit, I'm seeing two of this brat. What the hell, I must be more hammered than I thought... I need to drink more."

And so the play began.

--

It started off simple enough. Tsuna wasn't really familiar with the whole play; he had a basic idea as to what was going to happen, but he wasn't that familiar with the characters, so he rather enjoyed watching the show, even if the language that they used for the play was pretty archaic.

So unfolds Act 1, scene 1. Dino plays Benvolio and is parting two of Hibari's subordinates and Ken and Chikusa from killing each other off.

"Draw, if you be men! Gregory, remember thy swashing blow, pyon!"

"Part, fools! Put up your swords, you know not what you --"

Hibari enters and Xanxus laughs so loud he nearly falls off of his chair because of his dramatic entrance music. Hibari, Tsuna learns, is Tybalt, but that matters little to him right now. He's much more worried about Benvolio being bitten to death, or whatever the Shakespearean term for that is. "What, are thou drawn among these heartless hinds? Turn thee, Benvolio, and look upon thy death."

From his chair, Tsuna started screaming. "Dino-san, run! It's very dangerous for you to be there right now! Romario's not with you!"

But Dino decides that he's gonna at least make Hibari calm down before he exits the scene (or the world, whichever comes first). So he steps forward to Hibari, and...

...Lambo comes running out from somewhere backstage, laughing. "LAMBO-SAN GOT CANDY FROM TENTACLE-HAIR!"

"I DON'T HAVE TENTACLE-HAIR, YOU STUPID COW. AND I NEVER SAID YOU CAN HAVE MY SUCKERS! GIVE THEM BACK!"

Dino trips theatrically over Lambo and Hibari has to sigh and roll his eyes to the heavens in disgust. Hibird agrees with him. The little bird starts chirping his lines: "I hate hell! All Montagues! And thee! Bite you dead!"

Tsuna feels like crying. "Lambo-kun, watch out! Ahh, Gokudera-kun, don't throw out so much dynamite, you might hurt yourself and other people as well!"

(From behind Xanxus, Squalo looks at Mammon and snickers. "Did you hear that? The Bovino brat got some candy off of you, tentacle-brat."

"Muu, that was copyright infringement. I'd better charge the two of them for that.")

The scene is in disarray. Belphegor steps up and "Ushishishi"s his way to the crowd. "On pain of death, all men depart! If ever you disturb our streets again, your lives will pay the forfeit of the peace, shishishishi"

But then the ground shakes and all of a sudden, Enzio comes out from backstage and runs towards Dino. (Dino: "ENZIO! WHAT---HOW---") Fuuta comes running as well, panicked.

"Dino-nii, I'm so sorry! I was doing a ranking of everybody, and when I was done, I didn't notice that he fell on the pool, and...!"

Tsuna sees Enzio. "Reborn! Let me out of here! My friends are going to -- HIIIIIIIII!!"

"Hahaha, oh wow, that's a really big turtle, huh?" said Yamamoto casually, while beside him Gokudera has stopped chasing after Lambo and drops on his knees. "THE MOUNTAIN GOD!"

"EXTREME! IT'S LIKE THE GHOST OF HAMLET'S DAD, ONLY BETTER!"

"THAT'S NOT THE GHOST, LAWNHEAD, THAT'S THE MOUNTAIN GOD!"

"...Mukuro-sama says... 'kufufu'?"

"Tsuna. Do something about it." And Reborn fires off a shot.

"...REBORN! FINISH THIS PLAY AS IF I WERE TO DIE."

Xanxus rubbed his temples and added some aspirin to his whiskey. It was going to be a long, long day.

--

It was the most exhilarating birthday Tsuna has ever had. He took a rest in his room afterwards watching Leonardo DiCaprio on the t.v. with Kyoko and Haru and his mom afterwards. _At least_, he thought wearily, _they didn't have Enzio._


End file.
